A Different Day

December 27, 2016 at 9:32 pm (Creative Non- Fiction, Memoir, Middle age, positive thinking) (, , , , , )

levilaptoppix 020


Today started out like any other day of the week. Except for one event. My son Levi turns 30 years old today. I was crying earlier over the fact I could not plan a surprise party for him this year; I could not spend any of the holiday with him and his Grandmother; I could not buy Christmas gifts with him for family and friends this year. I had a flood of emotions wash over me this morning until I realized I could make my mom and I a nice dinner and make her day special, I am learning on Levis birthday, it is okay to cry, not make your bed today or get dressed, not go shovel out my driveway from last nights snow storm. But then depression would be taking over me. I was not left here and Levi is in heaven getting the good life. I am still needed here and until God calls me home, I have many more fine days ahead of me.

I have the task (funny how Christmas tradition can turn into an ugly task) of taking down my holiday decor and putting the decorations back in the boxes and returned to the crawl space under the house. You procrastinated putting up the decorations and with as much thought goes into taking them down again.  I love the Christmas season and the family dinners, Church services, going to dinner with a friend and taking in the beautifully decorations of downtown. Snow flocking the trees and mountains,the sparkling buildings, shops closing up at 6p.m.(my friend and I thought we were going to shop some after dinner.) We had a nice Starbucks’ and looked at some decorated homes in her area. A well needed break for both of us.

I did not have to stand in the long line of returns after Christmas, I did not have to go to the big box stores or Malls fighting all the crowds and looking for the great bargain; I do not participate in Black Friday, or do I venture out the last days before Christmas. Rude people glaring at you because you smiled at them, crazy people driving to fast for winter conditions, I noticed less joy in the season and more stress,anger,frowning, last-minute gifts and preparing for the special meal at your house this year. Hug your kids extra tight today,tell them how much you love them and how much they mean to you.

1 Comment

  1. briannathepastrychef said,

    Beautifully written, as promised I came back to read more of your posts. Your words help me through my own grief to know that I’m not alone and to hear your encouraging words soothe my pain.

    One of the hardest things for me is trying to find a way to live on rather than functionally existing. I do not understand why he was denied life while I am still able to go on living in this world. I hate living in a world without him and it is so difficult to not succumb to depression…to completely give up on everything because nothing seems worth it anymore. I feel so alone at times.

    I am more confused than ever as no one truly understands my feelings. Most say that time will heal my pain and allow me to grieve but time only makes my pain greater as every passing minute, I miss him even more. This new year has almost caused me to go steps backwards in my grief as I’m scared that he will somehow be left behind in the year of 2016…and he’s only becoming more out of reach. For the most part, I pretend that I’m okay until everyone goes to sleep and then I emotionally fall apart.

    It’s crazy to me how years ago, I was facing struggles that seem so minute now…life seems so much easier back then and now I am forced to live through the loss of someone that I truly loved. He meant the world to me and I do not know how to describe the pain that resides in my heart because he’s gone.

    Sorry for writing a book but your words speak to me so deeply. Keep writing…your words speak volumes.

    Liked by 1 person

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