Letters From heaven

February 25, 2015 at 10:12 pm (Creative Non- Fiction, Life beyond parenting, Middle age, Poetry, Single Parent) (, , , , , )

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I was sitting here at my computer thinking of a new story idea.

I glanced over at my son Levi’s photo taken eight years ago. So much has changed my son passed away in a tragic car accident at age 20. My life was forever changed in so many ways that day. I went from looking forward to my son visiting me( once he moved out, I had to track him down) to thoughts of seeing him again one day in heaven.

I can almost imagine one last conversation we could have. I love you mom, you were the best mother I could have ever wanted. You took good care of my dad and I until my dad died one day. I didn’t really understand why he didn’t come home that morning. I remember how sad you were. you tried to explain to me that daddy was really sick and Jesus took him home to be with him. I remember you threw me my birthday party when I turned four(ten days after daddy died). I cannot imagine how hard it was for you trying to take care of me and work. I know I could be a brat( nooo not Levi). I watched you struggle in working,providing for me, keeping the house warm, and making sure I was home on time for dinner- we always ate at the dinner table together because we were a family. I cannot tell you how proud I am of you mom. When I died, you did not let anger and depression rule your life. You trusted Jesus to get you through the dark days like you did when we lost my dad. I always remember you started everyday with coffee and Jesus. You were always writing in your journal. I often wanted to take a peak,but was afraid most of it was about me. I always thought to myself that if I had kids one day, I hope I could be half the dad that my mom was to me. You are pretty special mom.  keep smiling mom and I will see you really soon.

Love always,

Levi

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Would You Live your Life Over Again?

January 6, 2015 at 4:36 am (Creative Non- Fiction, Memoir, Single Parent, Survivor, Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

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Someone once asked me if I could live my life over again would I.

I answered him yes I would.He was surprised at my answer because he had known me for several years. He knew of the many struggles I have had in my life. I also reminded my dear friend that I have had God watching over me and I trust in Him. I remember he told me I was a brave person because if I had lived my life over, my husband and son would still be here. I told my friend God has walked me through some of the darkest days of my life and He would stand beside me again and again . I appreciate the question though. Many people cannot believe I live with such a strong belief in God, after loosing my son in a tragic car accident in 2007, I chose to trust God not become bitter and angry at him.

Being a survivor has its struggles. I miss the bright spot in my life. Levi was the best gift god could have given to me. I am proud of the fine young man he had become. I also feel blessed to have been a wife and mother even if for a little while. My life had changed in a moment, but by the love and support of my family and friends, I living my life to the fullest. I did not know then I would become a writer, or a published author. I write because I enjoy sharing with you the many happy memories I had with my young family. My life has forever changed, but for the better. I know I will see my husband and son again soon. I live each day with thankfulness in my heart. There is so much beauty around us from falling snow to listening to the children as they sled down the hill again. I love hearing the families as they are walking the dog (or the dog pulling the kids in the sled).

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball you didn’t see coming. I heard it said you can’t change your circumstances but you can change your attitude in your circumstances. What a true statement. I look forward to a wonderful 2015. I thank you so much for your support and visiting my blog.

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Happy New Year Everyone.

January 1, 2015 at 6:23 pm (Memoir, Single Parent, Sons, Survivor, Writer's writing, Writier's writing, Writing) (, , , , )

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May this year bring happiness, healing for our nation, learning to live together, and know we are a Blessed Nation. The brand new year brings brand new tomorrows. Let’s live each new day with the promise of what tomorrow may bring. Some circumstances are out of our control, but we can stand strong in knowing we do not walk alone.

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Fall Activities

October 26, 2014 at 11:50 pm (Creative Non- Fiction, Middle age, Poetry, Uncategorized, Writing) (, , )

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Rake leaves

Play in leaves

Take pictures of changing leaves

Pick pumpkins

Host a pumpkin carving contest

Make a autumn harvest pie to share with friends

Clean your closet

Donate gently used items to a consignment shop

Have a yard sale

Get some fall decorations to cozy up your home

Take a scenic drive

Host a chili making contest

Take a walk in the crisp air

Pumpkin spice over load

Go to the park and play football

Go for a bike ride

Take the dog to the dog park and let him enjoy some new friends

Make fall cookies

 

 

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A Rememberance Of My Son

July 20, 2013 at 9:37 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , )

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Six years ago today my son Levi

set out with some friends to float the river. By that evening both our lives were changed forever. Levi was involved in a tragic traffic accident. After five days and countless prayers later, I made the painful decision to withdraw his life support. There are no words to describe my feelings today. Some would say to let go of Levi. I had to realize people mean well in their intentions or advice, but they do not understand the struggles. People do not mean to be hurtful in the comments. Sometimes I know they do not know what to say.

everyone handles grief different. No one really ever gets over the loss The pain just eases over the years. Some friends of mine and my mom and I are going to dinner and celebrate Levi tonight. I work graveyard shift so I will keep my mind busy tonight as well.

People remember your laughter, your mischievous smile the twinkle in your eyes and your appetite for life.  If anyone has a story to share about my son,please share I would love to hear the memories you have of Levi.

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Happy Father’s Day

June 16, 2013 at 1:56 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

 

 

 

I would like to wish all the father’s

a happy father’s day tomorrow. The lawn parties, playing football with the grandkids, good food and even better company. I hope your day is filled with laughter, good memories of father’s day pasts, holding your brand new grand baby for the first time, make it a special memory making time.

I remember this photo of my dad and my son with fondness. My son Levi was the first-born grandchild. My parents were affectionately called ‘Grandma and grandpa John’.  They took my son on many fishing trips, camping trips in the motor home and long weekends spent at the hot springs in Montana. grandpa John would help my son split the nights firewood when family and friends gather around the campfire. I am thankful Levi was given the opportunity to spend summers with his grandparents. I became a young widow after my husband,Levi’s father died from complications of his disease. I had many hardships and difficulties trying to raise my young son alone. I am thankful I could have a weekend to myself while the rest of the family went on vacation.

When my dad became to ill to travel anymore, Levi would suggest they just camp out in the motor home in the driveway. Grandpa and Levi would BBQ the dinner and join grandma to eat it in the motor home-They always found a way to have fun and make lasting memories.

They hosted many gatherings in their home for family and friends. When I was a girl, my parents hosted opening day hunting parties, family would gather to go horse back riding on our ranch. When we moved to Idaho, my family would host sledding parties. My dad would pull us around the neighborhood in his 1946 Willie’s jeep. Grandma John would have hot cocoa waiting for us when we needed to thaw out.

I miss my dad. He passed away in 2002 from his disease. Grandpa John had many friends and family who loved him and enjoyed a glass of wine with him in the afternoons. scan0014

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Thank You To all Who Served In The Armed Forces

May 27, 2013 at 5:01 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

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We remember our men and women who serve our country today. We  honor our fallen hero’s and those who serve today with a parade and a celebration. We never forget the freedoms we as a nation enjoy everyday because of the sacrifices made. Some parents are celebrating the safe return of their son or daughter, some parents are waiting for their son and daughters to return, some parents today are mourning the loss of their loved ones.

Some parents today are estranged from their child and would like nothing more than to hear their voice today, some parents like I have lost their son or daughters to a tragic accident-they also was taken too soon. Today is filled with many emotions,we will celebrate with a lawn party, honor our veteran’s with a parade, catch up with old friends take the time to visit with one our older veteran’s and listen to the stories they have to tell. We can learn so much today if we take the time to listen and really understand what we celebrate today. Many have emotional scares they would like to forget, many bear the physical scares of war, many who have served our country come home to no jobs, many say our great nation is falling, THEN LET’S TAKE HER BACK!!

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Prayers And Support For Oklahoma

May 23, 2013 at 2:55 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , )

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I went into Spokane today

with a friend we passed our local news station whose employees were out on the street collecting donations for tornado relief;A local school gave a benefit concert at the Spokane arena last night to help raise funds to send to Oklahoma. I heard on the news this evening The Dutch Bros. coffee was giving free coffee tonight if patrons gave a donation to send to the tornado survivors. There is such a sense of community here in Idaho and washington. I amidst the tragedy you can count on several communities coming together to raise money, food clothing, prayers and support to otherwise hopeless and tragic natural disasters. It may take months to start and rebuild town like Moore, all people are accounted for tonight. My prayers are with the many people who have lost everything I can’t imagine. I have seen the devastation on the news and am saddened by the amount of destruction caused. In a heart beat lives are forever changed. May we keep the helping hands going by prayers and helping anyway we can.

 

 

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My Journey To Finding Happiness Again

March 24, 2013 at 4:31 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

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Life can change in a moment.

 

One day, you are living your best life ever, the next day your world can come crashing down around you. What do you do when tragedy strikes?  How do we survive a loved ones disease, and how do we survive the loss of that loved one? Sometimes we do not realize how fragile life really is. We never know how we deal with life changing circumstances until we are faced with them.

I have been a care giver since I was a teenager. my dad had been sick as long as I can remember. I would help care for my dad while my mom worked. Caring for my dad taught me compassion and responsibility. I had always pursued a career as a paramedic. I found out there were height and weight requirements for the job. I was disappointed to learn I did not meet the requirements for the job. I went into the Health care field and I have found it very rewarding. 

When my husband and I married, we thought we would grow old together, envisioned a life raising ou family, looked forward to retiring some day, imagined a life as proud grandparents to our son’s children. My life had taken a different direction. My husband had complications from his diabetes. He died just 6 short years after we married. I was left to raise my young son alone. Single parenthood presented many challenges. I was mother, father, and sole provider for my family of two now. I had many hardships and difficulties raising my son, but Levi and survived them all. I raised my son from childhood through his teens. 

After the death of my husband I was overwhelmed with the awesome responsibility of raising my son alone. I suffered from depression. When Levi went to school, I stayed on the couch. I not only suffered the loss of my husband,but my income was cut in half. Levi was a strong-willed child. There were days I did not think I had the strength to care for him as a good mother should. I always drew my strength from God. I had to realize life was going to be okay and I can get through being a single parent. I also had to deal with critical comments from people in my life. Being a single parent was hard enough, I felt like I really had no support. I am happy to say I did not drink, smoke or do drugs during this trying time in my life. I still am just a coffee drinker. mainly because there are so many yummy coffee creamers out there to try. 

People talk about depression and it’s effects. I can tell you depression does hurt. You feel lonely, you feel sad all the time, you say ‘I am fine’ when you feel like your whole world has ended. I had to care for my young son who needed me to be available for him. There were not many people I could talk to about my struggle because I was told to get over it Levi needs me. What people do not realize is yes, my son needed me, but I had to take care of me too.

 

As Levi entered his teens, he had his own struggles I had to deal with. Levi’s grandpa died when Levi was 15 years old he was devastated. Now I had to deal with and help my son through his depression. Levi was put on medication so you could stand to be around him and his attitude problem. Growing up is tough as a teenager.Then of course, we as parents do not know anything….

  About this time, Levi moved in to help his grandma after his grandpa passed away. Levi told his grandma ‘I will take care of you grandma’ I laugh at the thought.

 

In July 2007, my son set off with some friends to float the river, by that evening both our lives were changed forever. Levi was involved in a tragic car accident. There are no words to describe the depth of grief I felt that day. One day you are putting gas in your sons’ new car, the next day, Levi was fighting for his life. People have often asked me how could I survive such a loss. I have a strong faith in God and I realize the deaths of both my husband and my son did not mean it was the death of me as well. For me, healing is accepting the loss and know I will keep moving forward in the good things God still has for me. it has been a long journey from feeling overwhelmed, depressed, hopeless, to joy, living my dreams, feeling useful instead of useless, encouraging others to live the dreams they envisioned and not let fear rule their hearts. Life is good indeed.


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Remembering The Good Old days

March 19, 2013 at 6:40 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

 

 

 

 

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Sometimes it feels like we are

just going through the motions in life. Ever had a season where you felt like this? We get up in the morning,make our morning coffee,get the kids up and ready for school, get ourselves ready to head out the door and start a new day. Sometimes I have to stop and think is there more to my life than this routine? A rut is hard to get out of sometimes. The change from winter into spring is difficult for some because  in the winter months it gets dark so early. I know some cannot wait until spring to start digging in the dirt. Home Depot already has commercials out promoting spring.

I care for an elderly lady who lives in a quaint tree lined neighborhood. When we used to sit on the porch, we heard the birds in the neighborhood. One thing I look forward to is hearing the birds singing in the trees, and watching the cats chase the squirrels up and down the trees. Sometimes one of the cats will almost catch the squirrel,you hear it cry and get away. A few minutes later, the squirrel is back running up and down the trees again. If I could afford a house in the neighborhood I would. I like where I live and the neighbors are great, but we don’t have the peaceful, quaint neighborhood.

I remember weekend drives or visiting my grandparents in Kernville. The whole family gathered for the weekend. You would be surprised how many my grandma could put in her house and converted garage. My granddad had a Boars head in the converted garage and he was not interested in taking the hideous thing down when the grandchildren came to visit. All the kids were afraid the boar was going to come alive and get us. We used to try to con our older cousins to go in the garage with us while we played. Our parents knew we were not sneaking into the bedroom to play. Grandma always had something in the oven. All the grandkids would get to help her make desert. When she made her pies, the leftover pie crusts would go to the kids to make their own mini pies. I  was sad when my grandparents sold our weekend retreat and moved into a mobile home park. We still seen them often because our water was better than theirs, they would come once a week for dinner and drinking water. My brother and I used to help granddad fill up the five gallon jugs and put them into the car.

When I was growing up, there were no such things a call phones, ipads, or laptops. I called my friends on a pay phone. No joke. My brother’s friends brought their quarter to call home. Those were the good old days. There is so much hustle and bustle today; it is nice when you do see a family going for a walk or a bike ride. Life has changed and has become more hectic. The way teens treat their parents and talk to each other anymore is unbelievable.  If I had talked to my dad this way,  I would have been a door stop. Sometimes I long for the good old days where life was less complicated and you were spoken to in person not on your cell phone, what happened to please and thank you? What happened to respecting a curfew? Schools used to have dress codes, there was a reason for it.  Teachers used to like to teach now they are afraid of being shot. When I was in school, there were no such thing as a metal detector to enter. Kids used to go to school to get an education, now they hope no one brings a knife or a gun to school. Life has changed since I have gone to school.

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