Would You Live your Life Over Again?

January 6, 2015 at 4:36 am (Creative Non- Fiction, Memoir, Single Parent, Survivor, Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

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Someone once asked me if I could live my life over again would I.

I answered him yes I would.He was surprised at my answer because he had known me for several years. He knew of the many struggles I have had in my life. I also reminded my dear friend that I have had God watching over me and I trust in Him. I remember he told me I was a brave person because if I had lived my life over, my husband and son would still be here. I told my friend God has walked me through some of the darkest days of my life and He would stand beside me again and again . I appreciate the question though. Many people cannot believe I live with such a strong belief in God, after loosing my son in a tragic car accident in 2007, I chose to trust God not become bitter and angry at him.

Being a survivor has its struggles. I miss the bright spot in my life. Levi was the best gift god could have given to me. I am proud of the fine young man he had become. I also feel blessed to have been a wife and mother even if for a little while. My life had changed in a moment, but by the love and support of my family and friends, I living my life to the fullest. I did not know then I would become a writer, or a published author. I write because I enjoy sharing with you the many happy memories I had with my young family. My life has forever changed, but for the better. I know I will see my husband and son again soon. I live each day with thankfulness in my heart. There is so much beauty around us from falling snow to listening to the children as they sled down the hill again. I love hearing the families as they are walking the dog (or the dog pulling the kids in the sled).

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball you didn’t see coming. I heard it said you can’t change your circumstances but you can change your attitude in your circumstances. What a true statement. I look forward to a wonderful 2015. I thank you so much for your support and visiting my blog.

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Happiness Comes From Within

April 24, 2013 at 9:53 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

 

 

I remember life growing up on our ranch.

I loved having the animals, but my brother and I soon learned how much work there was in caring for your animals. You rose early in the morning to feed,water,and clean the many animals pens.If you had a lamb you were entering into the fair, every morning and evening after your animal finished eating, you walked that animal for one mile. On our ranch we had a circular driveway I forget how many times around the driveway counted as the mile. A couple of weeks before the fair, you ran your lamb around the driveway for the mile. The reason is simple-if you the seller are trying to get top dollar out of your ( not wanting to really sell your beloved pet) lamb,the buyer would not pay much for a flabby lamb. My brother and learned early, if you put the effort into the animal now, it will pay off later. 

I appreciate the chores and the caring I had for my lamb, and horse growing up.My brother and I always had a horse show, or a demonstration day for our rabbits or lambs that kept us busy. Let’s not ever forget getting your homework done in between times. My brother and I learned a good work ethic. There was a joke in my family unless you were dying, you went to school. There is something to be said I think(now) of a good old-fashioned up bringing. we did not have all the materialistic gadgets to occupy our time. we were to busy riding our horses, caring for our rabbits and sheep and cows and chasing off the snakes and skunks and deer and oh dear how much fun we had growing up. Life was simple yes, but we had everything we needed including discipline,work ethic, time management instead of wasting time. 

How sad to me that just twenty or thirty years have gone by and today teens have no idea what respect is anymore. I am not picking on the teens but if I talked to my parents or grandparents the way some teens do, I would not have sat down for a week. You said please and thank you because you were grateful there was food on the table plus it shows respect. We did not ignore and adult if we were spoken to. We did not just keep playing our game of our phone or keep listening to our iPad if we were asked a question. It is almost a sad thought that the good old days really are gone for good. When you had company over for dinner, you played a game or swim in your pool. Afterwards,you had desert. Today, you are lucky a family can have a sit down meal together and discuss the days events. The face of our generation is sure changing and what is unimaginable to me is to think about what is going to become of the next generation of kids. If families don’t have time for dinner now before jetting out the door to dad’s game,what are we teaching our kids on how to raise our grandchildren?thumbnailCACS6RH0

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Where Is Our Great Nation heading?

April 18, 2013 at 1:51 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

 

 

 

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I was stunned to hear the news.

Not yet another  senseless tragedy. I could not believe  what my eyes were seeing. A bomb going off at The Boston Marathon.  When will we feel a sense of security again? maybe not ever I am afraid. It is sad that a marathon in Boston was the latest tragedy. It is getting to the point where you don’t want to go to the store, send your children to school or let them play outside. When will this craziness stop? If this can happen in Boston, I cannot imagine what will happen in the next few months with city fun runs and kids sports kicking off soon. 

People used to say they would not travel to another country, there is too much violence… Well, I think pretty soon the same people will be saying they won’t travel to this city in America because there is too much violence in it. I think folks will reconsider where they travel for vacations this year. Unfortunately, I think this level of violence is only going to increase. At least authorities have a suspect , although no arrests have been made.

I am saddened for our children. There has been such a fear instilled into them. Parents are afraid to send their children to school, teachers are afraid to teach the kids for fear of a gun or knife being brought into school. What has happened  to our great country that we are dealing with this kind of  tragedies more frequently?  Summer vacation used to be something a family looked forward to, now there isn’t anywhere I care to visit as a tourist. Getting scary out there.

I don’t know about you, but I feel we as a nation-

We should have the right to feel safe in our community.

We should have the right for our children to feel safe while at school.

A teacher should have the right to feel safe while teaching your kids at school.

No child should go hungry tonight.

No parent or animal should feel hungry tonight.

We should feel safe to attend a movie with our family.

We should feel safe walking down our streets.

 

 

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My Journey To Finding Happiness Again

March 24, 2013 at 4:31 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

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Life can change in a moment.

 

One day, you are living your best life ever, the next day your world can come crashing down around you. What do you do when tragedy strikes?  How do we survive a loved ones disease, and how do we survive the loss of that loved one? Sometimes we do not realize how fragile life really is. We never know how we deal with life changing circumstances until we are faced with them.

I have been a care giver since I was a teenager. my dad had been sick as long as I can remember. I would help care for my dad while my mom worked. Caring for my dad taught me compassion and responsibility. I had always pursued a career as a paramedic. I found out there were height and weight requirements for the job. I was disappointed to learn I did not meet the requirements for the job. I went into the Health care field and I have found it very rewarding. 

When my husband and I married, we thought we would grow old together, envisioned a life raising ou family, looked forward to retiring some day, imagined a life as proud grandparents to our son’s children. My life had taken a different direction. My husband had complications from his diabetes. He died just 6 short years after we married. I was left to raise my young son alone. Single parenthood presented many challenges. I was mother, father, and sole provider for my family of two now. I had many hardships and difficulties raising my son, but Levi and survived them all. I raised my son from childhood through his teens. 

After the death of my husband I was overwhelmed with the awesome responsibility of raising my son alone. I suffered from depression. When Levi went to school, I stayed on the couch. I not only suffered the loss of my husband,but my income was cut in half. Levi was a strong-willed child. There were days I did not think I had the strength to care for him as a good mother should. I always drew my strength from God. I had to realize life was going to be okay and I can get through being a single parent. I also had to deal with critical comments from people in my life. Being a single parent was hard enough, I felt like I really had no support. I am happy to say I did not drink, smoke or do drugs during this trying time in my life. I still am just a coffee drinker. mainly because there are so many yummy coffee creamers out there to try. 

People talk about depression and it’s effects. I can tell you depression does hurt. You feel lonely, you feel sad all the time, you say ‘I am fine’ when you feel like your whole world has ended. I had to care for my young son who needed me to be available for him. There were not many people I could talk to about my struggle because I was told to get over it Levi needs me. What people do not realize is yes, my son needed me, but I had to take care of me too.

 

As Levi entered his teens, he had his own struggles I had to deal with. Levi’s grandpa died when Levi was 15 years old he was devastated. Now I had to deal with and help my son through his depression. Levi was put on medication so you could stand to be around him and his attitude problem. Growing up is tough as a teenager.Then of course, we as parents do not know anything….

  About this time, Levi moved in to help his grandma after his grandpa passed away. Levi told his grandma ‘I will take care of you grandma’ I laugh at the thought.

 

In July 2007, my son set off with some friends to float the river, by that evening both our lives were changed forever. Levi was involved in a tragic car accident. There are no words to describe the depth of grief I felt that day. One day you are putting gas in your sons’ new car, the next day, Levi was fighting for his life. People have often asked me how could I survive such a loss. I have a strong faith in God and I realize the deaths of both my husband and my son did not mean it was the death of me as well. For me, healing is accepting the loss and know I will keep moving forward in the good things God still has for me. it has been a long journey from feeling overwhelmed, depressed, hopeless, to joy, living my dreams, feeling useful instead of useless, encouraging others to live the dreams they envisioned and not let fear rule their hearts. Life is good indeed.


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Remembering The Good Old days

March 19, 2013 at 6:40 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

 

 

 

 

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Sometimes it feels like we are

just going through the motions in life. Ever had a season where you felt like this? We get up in the morning,make our morning coffee,get the kids up and ready for school, get ourselves ready to head out the door and start a new day. Sometimes I have to stop and think is there more to my life than this routine? A rut is hard to get out of sometimes. The change from winter into spring is difficult for some because  in the winter months it gets dark so early. I know some cannot wait until spring to start digging in the dirt. Home Depot already has commercials out promoting spring.

I care for an elderly lady who lives in a quaint tree lined neighborhood. When we used to sit on the porch, we heard the birds in the neighborhood. One thing I look forward to is hearing the birds singing in the trees, and watching the cats chase the squirrels up and down the trees. Sometimes one of the cats will almost catch the squirrel,you hear it cry and get away. A few minutes later, the squirrel is back running up and down the trees again. If I could afford a house in the neighborhood I would. I like where I live and the neighbors are great, but we don’t have the peaceful, quaint neighborhood.

I remember weekend drives or visiting my grandparents in Kernville. The whole family gathered for the weekend. You would be surprised how many my grandma could put in her house and converted garage. My granddad had a Boars head in the converted garage and he was not interested in taking the hideous thing down when the grandchildren came to visit. All the kids were afraid the boar was going to come alive and get us. We used to try to con our older cousins to go in the garage with us while we played. Our parents knew we were not sneaking into the bedroom to play. Grandma always had something in the oven. All the grandkids would get to help her make desert. When she made her pies, the leftover pie crusts would go to the kids to make their own mini pies. I  was sad when my grandparents sold our weekend retreat and moved into a mobile home park. We still seen them often because our water was better than theirs, they would come once a week for dinner and drinking water. My brother and I used to help granddad fill up the five gallon jugs and put them into the car.

When I was growing up, there were no such things a call phones, ipads, or laptops. I called my friends on a pay phone. No joke. My brother’s friends brought their quarter to call home. Those were the good old days. There is so much hustle and bustle today; it is nice when you do see a family going for a walk or a bike ride. Life has changed and has become more hectic. The way teens treat their parents and talk to each other anymore is unbelievable.  If I had talked to my dad this way,  I would have been a door stop. Sometimes I long for the good old days where life was less complicated and you were spoken to in person not on your cell phone, what happened to please and thank you? What happened to respecting a curfew? Schools used to have dress codes, there was a reason for it.  Teachers used to like to teach now they are afraid of being shot. When I was in school, there were no such thing as a metal detector to enter. Kids used to go to school to get an education, now they hope no one brings a knife or a gun to school. Life has changed since I have gone to school.

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February 20, 2013 at 5:20 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

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I have had a rough couple of weeks.

I finally had some time to read some of my FB posts and saw this quote. Every morning has a beginning,a new blessing and a new hope.  I needed to read this and remember circumstances may look bleak, but with the morning sun also comes new beginnings and sometimes a different outlook. We never know what tomorrow brings do we… 

A dear friend and I went to lunch and shopping today at the local mall. It was nice to get away for a few hours and then head back to reality. My friend is heading back to Ireland next week.  My friend told me she lives in a heritage village,and  flowers are already blooming. I want to be packed in her suitcase and go home with her. A few years ago, this same friend helped me redo my bedroom into a B&B bedroom. She also helped me turn my son’s old bedroom into my dressing room after his death. I have been blessed with a special friend for many years.

May we take time to laugh, hug our children close, tell our children how proud we are of them, tell them we are glad they are in our lives, and take time to smell the roses. Life is too short not to live it to the fullest. My life was forever changed with the deaths of both my husband and my son but I made the choice to find happiness again. I feel so blessed when I drive by my son’s old grade school and remember waving to him on the playground. I have so many great memories of a son I love and miss dearly.

 

 

 

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Have A Great weekend Everyone.

February 15, 2013 at 6:42 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , )

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It’s Monday Again

February 4, 2013 at 6:47 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

 

 

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I started my morning off early taking my mom to get her blood workup then we went out to breakfast. I came home to write a quick blog post, then off again with a dear friend for lunch and a short drive around the area. I love to drive around one our local lakes and enjoy the snowy scenery. 

I have been touched by the response to my recent excerpt from my first book.  When I cashed a check this morning, one of the bank rep. stopped me and told me how much she enjoyed reading my post.When I started keeping a journal years ago, I would not have thought I would have a blog or be a published author. As I keep writing, I am remembering things I have long forgotten. Some stories are easy to write and others are more painful. When I drive by my son’s old grade school, I can imagine waving to him on the playground,or having lunch at his school. I remember going on motorcycle rides with my husband or playing with Levi at the park. I have so many treasured memories of a husband and a son I love and miss dearly.

Sometimes I am asked how could I keep moving forward in my life and have my positive attitude. I realized the deaths of both my husband and my son did not mean the death of me as well. I learned how to let go of the dreams I held for grandchildren. Growing old with my husband. looking forward to retirement one day. I had to learn how to live again no easy feat. My life had been centered around being Levi’s mom for many years. When I write a story, it helps me to remember  life is good no matter what your circumstance. I could have become bitter and angry but what would this have accomplished? I turned Levi’s old room into my dressing room after he moved out. I love to get dressed in the morning and put on my pajamas at night. I have found this is a great way to start my day. 

Hug your children extra tight tonight, ask  them about their day and tell them about your day today. I know the days are long, the hours at work are long, I had to remember there was a young man at the end of the day who was glad to see his mom. I am proud of not only of the fine young man Levi had become but also God chose me to be his mom even if for a little while. Happy Monday.

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Living Your Dreams

January 26, 2013 at 4:40 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

coffeshop7

I went into the Health Care field having to help care for my dad while my mom worked. My dad had been sick ever since I could remember. In High school, I took my dad to his doctor appointments. Growing up  a young care giver taught me responsibility, compassion. When I graduated from High School my plan was to become a paramedic. There were height and weight requirements to be considered for the program and I was disappointed to find out I did not meet those requirements. I chose the Health Care Field instead. I have found my occupation of choice very rewarding

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The Rumor Mill

March 13, 2012 at 3:21 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

I don’t know why but in almost every job, you run across the old rumor mill. The funny thing about it is this,most of the time, the person starting the rumor probably does not know the full details and then gets everyone angry at the boss. There were some changes at my job with the new supervisor of my department. I think most of the employees reverted back to kindergarten this past week. I have never seen more griping in my life. There will be more changes in store at a moments notice I am sure. God did a miracle today. two care givers were mad at me. I dreaded going to work. I was actually sick to my stomach this morning. Well, in my prayer time this morning I brought the problem before the Lord and asked Him to help me. The two care givers were really nice to me(plus if they needed anything from the kitchen I am now the only one that can get it for them) But they were cordial to me. I am grateful to have had a good day. I have learned to try and ignore rumors.

 

A couple days ago, I took my aunts out to lunch for a birthday. It was a nice time to get to play catch up as one of my aunts is moving soon. On the way home, I stopped by the cable company to pay my bill. One of the ladies I know asked if I had brought her a book. I told her she could get one at Hastings and Barnes and Noble. She went out and bought her copy. She called me later that day to ask if iwould sign the book for her. When I got there, she informed me another cashier wanted a signed copy of my book also. My day got better. The next morning I went to work. One coworker told me she has to wait to get my book from Hastings book store and Barnes and Noble book store because they are all sold out and ordered more copies. God is awesome. I really needed a way to get out of this funk Ihave been in. This did it. When you are an author, you really don’t know if people liked the book or not. I am glad my book is getting into the hands of readers who need uplifted. Some of my book talks about my husband who died from diabetes and my son Levi who died in 2007 in a car accident. Some days are more of a challenge than otheres. Your grief comes in waves of intensity. I cry more days than others. I have been blessed with the best gift I could have ever received from God  even if for a little while.

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