Letters From heaven

February 25, 2015 at 10:12 pm (Creative Non- Fiction, Life beyond parenting, Middle age, Poetry, Single Parent) (, , , , , )

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I was sitting here at my computer thinking of a new story idea.

I glanced over at my son Levi’s photo taken eight years ago. So much has changed my son passed away in a tragic car accident at age 20. My life was forever changed in so many ways that day. I went from looking forward to my son visiting me( once he moved out, I had to track him down) to thoughts of seeing him again one day in heaven.

I can almost imagine one last conversation we could have. I love you mom, you were the best mother I could have ever wanted. You took good care of my dad and I until my dad died one day. I didn’t really understand why he didn’t come home that morning. I remember how sad you were. you tried to explain to me that daddy was really sick and Jesus took him home to be with him. I remember you threw me my birthday party when I turned four(ten days after daddy died). I cannot imagine how hard it was for you trying to take care of me and work. I know I could be a brat( nooo not Levi). I watched you struggle in working,providing for me, keeping the house warm, and making sure I was home on time for dinner- we always ate at the dinner table together because we were a family. I cannot tell you how proud I am of you mom. When I died, you did not let anger and depression rule your life. You trusted Jesus to get you through the dark days like you did when we lost my dad. I always remember you started everyday with coffee and Jesus. You were always writing in your journal. I often wanted to take a peak,but was afraid most of it was about me. I always thought to myself that if I had kids one day, I hope I could be half the dad that my mom was to me. You are pretty special mom.  keep smiling mom and I will see you really soon.

Love always,

Levi

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Would You Live your Life Over Again?

January 6, 2015 at 4:36 am (Creative Non- Fiction, Memoir, Single Parent, Survivor, Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

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Someone once asked me if I could live my life over again would I.

I answered him yes I would.He was surprised at my answer because he had known me for several years. He knew of the many struggles I have had in my life. I also reminded my dear friend that I have had God watching over me and I trust in Him. I remember he told me I was a brave person because if I had lived my life over, my husband and son would still be here. I told my friend God has walked me through some of the darkest days of my life and He would stand beside me again and again . I appreciate the question though. Many people cannot believe I live with such a strong belief in God, after loosing my son in a tragic car accident in 2007, I chose to trust God not become bitter and angry at him.

Being a survivor has its struggles. I miss the bright spot in my life. Levi was the best gift god could have given to me. I am proud of the fine young man he had become. I also feel blessed to have been a wife and mother even if for a little while. My life had changed in a moment, but by the love and support of my family and friends, I living my life to the fullest. I did not know then I would become a writer, or a published author. I write because I enjoy sharing with you the many happy memories I had with my young family. My life has forever changed, but for the better. I know I will see my husband and son again soon. I live each day with thankfulness in my heart. There is so much beauty around us from falling snow to listening to the children as they sled down the hill again. I love hearing the families as they are walking the dog (or the dog pulling the kids in the sled).

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball you didn’t see coming. I heard it said you can’t change your circumstances but you can change your attitude in your circumstances. What a true statement. I look forward to a wonderful 2015. I thank you so much for your support and visiting my blog.

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I Really Needed Today…

March 27, 2013 at 9:13 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

coffeshop7

I have been going through

a rough season in my life . I have been trying to keep a positive attitude in this trying circumstance and see the big picture of things.  I have been really trying to keep motivated as not to let depression come in and make itself at home in my life. We face challenges in our lives that can seem overwhelming at times, but we try to remember this is not forever and it has to get better soon.

At least spring is around the corner and we can enjoy some sunny warm days to plant and spruce up the place. After the long days of winter spent inside keeping warm, you look outside at all the projects awaiting you. My lawn guy came yesterday and fertilized the lawn so this is a start. Soon we will be busy pruning,planting mowing, watering and making our gardens beautiful unless you have a black thumb like I do, then you just hope for the best.

My best friend and I went to lunch on Monday. We both just really needed to get away for a couple of hours. We went to a local restaurant to have our usual salad and iced tea. After lunch, while I was paying the bill, my friend went into the living area to set by the fire. We met two beautiful ladies and struck up a conversation. I don’t know how we started talking about our lives, but we found out both women were sisters and had lost their husbands a year ago. I told them I had lost both my husband and my son. my friend told the ladies I had written a book about my experiences. The ladies asked me where they could buy a copy of my book, they wanted to purchase a copy after they left the restaurant. I told them and we all went on our way. My friend and I went to the book store to browse the magazines. When we were leaving, I saw the lady come into the store. She asked me where is my book? We went and found the book and as she was going to pay for her copy,she walked by an elderly lady at the end of the aisle. My new friend told the lady this is the best book ever, and this lady here is the author. After my new friend purchased the book sh asked me if I would sign her copy. ‘Of course’ I said. As I was finishing up, the other lady asked me if I would sign her copy also. I sold two books that day. All because we struck up a conversation with two ladies who had I had also much in common with.

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My Journey To Finding Happiness Again

March 24, 2013 at 4:31 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

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Life can change in a moment.

 

One day, you are living your best life ever, the next day your world can come crashing down around you. What do you do when tragedy strikes?  How do we survive a loved ones disease, and how do we survive the loss of that loved one? Sometimes we do not realize how fragile life really is. We never know how we deal with life changing circumstances until we are faced with them.

I have been a care giver since I was a teenager. my dad had been sick as long as I can remember. I would help care for my dad while my mom worked. Caring for my dad taught me compassion and responsibility. I had always pursued a career as a paramedic. I found out there were height and weight requirements for the job. I was disappointed to learn I did not meet the requirements for the job. I went into the Health care field and I have found it very rewarding. 

When my husband and I married, we thought we would grow old together, envisioned a life raising ou family, looked forward to retiring some day, imagined a life as proud grandparents to our son’s children. My life had taken a different direction. My husband had complications from his diabetes. He died just 6 short years after we married. I was left to raise my young son alone. Single parenthood presented many challenges. I was mother, father, and sole provider for my family of two now. I had many hardships and difficulties raising my son, but Levi and survived them all. I raised my son from childhood through his teens. 

After the death of my husband I was overwhelmed with the awesome responsibility of raising my son alone. I suffered from depression. When Levi went to school, I stayed on the couch. I not only suffered the loss of my husband,but my income was cut in half. Levi was a strong-willed child. There were days I did not think I had the strength to care for him as a good mother should. I always drew my strength from God. I had to realize life was going to be okay and I can get through being a single parent. I also had to deal with critical comments from people in my life. Being a single parent was hard enough, I felt like I really had no support. I am happy to say I did not drink, smoke or do drugs during this trying time in my life. I still am just a coffee drinker. mainly because there are so many yummy coffee creamers out there to try. 

People talk about depression and it’s effects. I can tell you depression does hurt. You feel lonely, you feel sad all the time, you say ‘I am fine’ when you feel like your whole world has ended. I had to care for my young son who needed me to be available for him. There were not many people I could talk to about my struggle because I was told to get over it Levi needs me. What people do not realize is yes, my son needed me, but I had to take care of me too.

 

As Levi entered his teens, he had his own struggles I had to deal with. Levi’s grandpa died when Levi was 15 years old he was devastated. Now I had to deal with and help my son through his depression. Levi was put on medication so you could stand to be around him and his attitude problem. Growing up is tough as a teenager.Then of course, we as parents do not know anything….

  About this time, Levi moved in to help his grandma after his grandpa passed away. Levi told his grandma ‘I will take care of you grandma’ I laugh at the thought.

 

In July 2007, my son set off with some friends to float the river, by that evening both our lives were changed forever. Levi was involved in a tragic car accident. There are no words to describe the depth of grief I felt that day. One day you are putting gas in your sons’ new car, the next day, Levi was fighting for his life. People have often asked me how could I survive such a loss. I have a strong faith in God and I realize the deaths of both my husband and my son did not mean it was the death of me as well. For me, healing is accepting the loss and know I will keep moving forward in the good things God still has for me. it has been a long journey from feeling overwhelmed, depressed, hopeless, to joy, living my dreams, feeling useful instead of useless, encouraging others to live the dreams they envisioned and not let fear rule their hearts. Life is good indeed.


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Remembering The Good Old days

March 19, 2013 at 6:40 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

 

 

 

 

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Sometimes it feels like we are

just going through the motions in life. Ever had a season where you felt like this? We get up in the morning,make our morning coffee,get the kids up and ready for school, get ourselves ready to head out the door and start a new day. Sometimes I have to stop and think is there more to my life than this routine? A rut is hard to get out of sometimes. The change from winter into spring is difficult for some because  in the winter months it gets dark so early. I know some cannot wait until spring to start digging in the dirt. Home Depot already has commercials out promoting spring.

I care for an elderly lady who lives in a quaint tree lined neighborhood. When we used to sit on the porch, we heard the birds in the neighborhood. One thing I look forward to is hearing the birds singing in the trees, and watching the cats chase the squirrels up and down the trees. Sometimes one of the cats will almost catch the squirrel,you hear it cry and get away. A few minutes later, the squirrel is back running up and down the trees again. If I could afford a house in the neighborhood I would. I like where I live and the neighbors are great, but we don’t have the peaceful, quaint neighborhood.

I remember weekend drives or visiting my grandparents in Kernville. The whole family gathered for the weekend. You would be surprised how many my grandma could put in her house and converted garage. My granddad had a Boars head in the converted garage and he was not interested in taking the hideous thing down when the grandchildren came to visit. All the kids were afraid the boar was going to come alive and get us. We used to try to con our older cousins to go in the garage with us while we played. Our parents knew we were not sneaking into the bedroom to play. Grandma always had something in the oven. All the grandkids would get to help her make desert. When she made her pies, the leftover pie crusts would go to the kids to make their own mini pies. I  was sad when my grandparents sold our weekend retreat and moved into a mobile home park. We still seen them often because our water was better than theirs, they would come once a week for dinner and drinking water. My brother and I used to help granddad fill up the five gallon jugs and put them into the car.

When I was growing up, there were no such things a call phones, ipads, or laptops. I called my friends on a pay phone. No joke. My brother’s friends brought their quarter to call home. Those were the good old days. There is so much hustle and bustle today; it is nice when you do see a family going for a walk or a bike ride. Life has changed and has become more hectic. The way teens treat their parents and talk to each other anymore is unbelievable.  If I had talked to my dad this way,  I would have been a door stop. Sometimes I long for the good old days where life was less complicated and you were spoken to in person not on your cell phone, what happened to please and thank you? What happened to respecting a curfew? Schools used to have dress codes, there was a reason for it.  Teachers used to like to teach now they are afraid of being shot. When I was in school, there were no such thing as a metal detector to enter. Kids used to go to school to get an education, now they hope no one brings a knife or a gun to school. Life has changed since I have gone to school.

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Becoming a Man Of His Word

March 4, 2013 at 11:28 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

 

 

 

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I taught my son Levi to be a man of his word. When my son was six years old he learned a valuable lesson. his grandpa invited him to go fishing with him, but Levi’s friend invited him to go to McDonald’s with him instead. I told Levi he would hurt his grandpa’s feelings if he chose to go with his friend instead. Levi had a good fishing trip with his grandpa. My son and his grandpa were best buddies. They had many more fishing trips, camping trips with grandma and grandpa going to the hot springs in Montana. I really appreciated the break when my son could go on a fun adventure with his two favorite people in his life. When Levi became a teen, he helped his grandma with his grandpa when he became terminally ill.

 

I became a single parent when my husband, Levi’s father died from complications from his diabetes.  I was given the awesome responsibility to raise my young son alone. I became mother, father and sole provider for my family of two now. Single parenthood presented many challenges and difficulties. Levi and I survived them all. I raised Levi from childhood through his teens. Levi was quite the artist. I have many of his drawings in my bible and hanging in my bedroom wall. When his grandpa died, Levi drew an awesome picture as a tribute to his best friend. We don’t realize our words are heard and all the hard work we poured into their lives, comes back in blessing to us as parents. The one comment I will always treasure from my son is ‘you were always there for me and you never gave up on me thank you mom. I love you.’ I treasure these words more than ever now. My son was lost in a tragic car accident in July 2007. he was only 20.

Some people still ask me today if I get angry at God because I will never be a grandmother to Levi’s children or watch Levi get married.  The thought does cross my mind sometimes when I see grandparents taking their grandchildren to the park or walking the dog. But I am not angry at God,  feeling like He took this away from me. God has walked me through some of the darkest days of my life. I am thankful I was given priveledge to raise this fine young man.  I would not trade all the struggles and challenges I had to face as a single mother to my son. The greatest gift of all is be called mom or dad.

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February 20, 2013 at 5:20 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

SUNP0117

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have had a rough couple of weeks.

I finally had some time to read some of my FB posts and saw this quote. Every morning has a beginning,a new blessing and a new hope.  I needed to read this and remember circumstances may look bleak, but with the morning sun also comes new beginnings and sometimes a different outlook. We never know what tomorrow brings do we… 

A dear friend and I went to lunch and shopping today at the local mall. It was nice to get away for a few hours and then head back to reality. My friend is heading back to Ireland next week.  My friend told me she lives in a heritage village,and  flowers are already blooming. I want to be packed in her suitcase and go home with her. A few years ago, this same friend helped me redo my bedroom into a B&B bedroom. She also helped me turn my son’s old bedroom into my dressing room after his death. I have been blessed with a special friend for many years.

May we take time to laugh, hug our children close, tell our children how proud we are of them, tell them we are glad they are in our lives, and take time to smell the roses. Life is too short not to live it to the fullest. My life was forever changed with the deaths of both my husband and my son but I made the choice to find happiness again. I feel so blessed when I drive by my son’s old grade school and remember waving to him on the playground. I have so many great memories of a son I love and miss dearly.

 

 

 

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I Smile down On you From Heaven

February 7, 2013 at 6:01 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

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I smile down from Heaven on you

 I watch you as you sleep; I watch you as you

  laugh, and I watch you as weep.

When you cry tears, make them of joy not sorrow

for I really am happy here. I am in a wonderful place, 

a place full of joy, beauty where tears never fall.

Your life had changed forever one day, but my memory lives on in your stories.

If I could say one last thing it would be how

much I love you, I miss your smile, your laugh,

and how much you supported me and always had faith in me.

Your faith in God kept you strong. He keeps you moving in the right direction.

I can’t wait to see you again mom; To hug you, show you the beauty of Heaven. 

I will never forget the mom who never gave up on me in my darkest times,

a mother who always saw the best in me and knew I would be alright.

When I lost hope, you were there in my corner cheering me on.

My gift back to you mom, is how much you mean to me and I am glad

God had chosen you to be my mom.

Love you mom.

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February 1, 2013 at 5:52 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , )

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Publishmemoirs featuring excerpt from Healing in the Storms

January 27, 2013 at 10:50 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

SUNP0113Publishmemoirs has featured an excerpt from my book, “Healing in the Storms”. It is exciting to be featured on publishmemoirs blog. you can find it at http://publishmemoir.wordpress.com/2013/01/23/memoir-salon-session-12/

 

 

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