Would You Live your Life Over Again?

January 6, 2015 at 4:36 am (Creative Non- Fiction, Memoir, Single Parent, Survivor, Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

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Someone once asked me if I could live my life over again would I.

I answered him yes I would.He was surprised at my answer because he had known me for several years. He knew of the many struggles I have had in my life. I also reminded my dear friend that I have had God watching over me and I trust in Him. I remember he told me I was a brave person because if I had lived my life over, my husband and son would still be here. I told my friend God has walked me through some of the darkest days of my life and He would stand beside me again and again . I appreciate the question though. Many people cannot believe I live with such a strong belief in God, after loosing my son in a tragic car accident in 2007, I chose to trust God not become bitter and angry at him.

Being a survivor has its struggles. I miss the bright spot in my life. Levi was the best gift god could have given to me. I am proud of the fine young man he had become. I also feel blessed to have been a wife and mother even if for a little while. My life had changed in a moment, but by the love and support of my family and friends, I living my life to the fullest. I did not know then I would become a writer, or a published author. I write because I enjoy sharing with you the many happy memories I had with my young family. My life has forever changed, but for the better. I know I will see my husband and son again soon. I live each day with thankfulness in my heart. There is so much beauty around us from falling snow to listening to the children as they sled down the hill again. I love hearing the families as they are walking the dog (or the dog pulling the kids in the sled).

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball you didn’t see coming. I heard it said you can’t change your circumstances but you can change your attitude in your circumstances. What a true statement. I look forward to a wonderful 2015. I thank you so much for your support and visiting my blog.

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Super Sunday

February 2, 2014 at 10:14 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , )

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Super Sunday.

I like football and the Super Bowl,but I am pleased Animal Planet is thinking outside the box on providing shows like The Kitten Bowl. there are four teams of adorable kittens playing for the championship today.Half time entertainment showed keyboard cat-a nice touch.The puppy bowl had added cheerleaders to the competion this year.  The discovery channel used to play shark bowl-a day devoted to sharks. There are so many choices for those who don’t really like to host a football sunday.

I was thinking about hosting a Kitten bowl party today, but could not generate the interest in my adventure. I guess you have to really like cats and dogs to be ‘different ‘ and venture away from football mania. I don’t mind the kidding really. I make my game day snacks like all of america-except I watch the rough and tumble kittens play on the field.Sowhatever you are watching, gather around the game room today and make so noise for your favorite teams. I was secretly hoping the black kitten team would win – in honor of  my son’s cat Midnight.

If I could, I would have adopted All the kitten teams today,as they are so cute to watch. I look forward to watching next year to see new teams battling it out for cuteness dominance. It is hard to choose a winner because they are all so cute and playful. I hope your favorite team won today, and made the most of this Super sunday.

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Bloom Where you Are Planted

January 24, 2014 at 1:42 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , )

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Bloom where you are planted.

I have had many conversations on this topic. I love to hear others take on this thought. Some are miserable no matter where life takes them and then there are those who has made the best out of life they can. So many have lost everything in tornadoes, wildfires, personal tragedies. Sometimes when life throws you a curve ball you did not see it coming. Many families face a devastating disease, others financial crisis, and many are without health coverage.It is difficult when there are many distractions in our lives today.Sometimes it is hard to take time to smell the roses and see how sweet they do smell.

I have suffered person tragedies in my life. my son was involved in a fatal traffic accident in 2007. He was only 20. I did not know if I could ever recover from the loss. I have a strong faith in God who reassured me that I can keep moving forward in my life. sometimes as I have learned you take life one moment at a time. I truly have learned to bloom where I was planted. I get so many comments from people who say I am always smiling. Life is hard but i take time for a good cry everyday and have my coffee time with Jesus everyday. He is a very important part of my day. I have days where I grumble, but I realize my attitude is not going to change the outcome of the circumstance. I am blessed to have the  love and support from my family and friends. I think happiness is a choice,just like bitterness and anger.

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Happiness Comes From Within

April 24, 2013 at 9:53 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

 

 

I remember life growing up on our ranch.

I loved having the animals, but my brother and I soon learned how much work there was in caring for your animals. You rose early in the morning to feed,water,and clean the many animals pens.If you had a lamb you were entering into the fair, every morning and evening after your animal finished eating, you walked that animal for one mile. On our ranch we had a circular driveway I forget how many times around the driveway counted as the mile. A couple of weeks before the fair, you ran your lamb around the driveway for the mile. The reason is simple-if you the seller are trying to get top dollar out of your ( not wanting to really sell your beloved pet) lamb,the buyer would not pay much for a flabby lamb. My brother and learned early, if you put the effort into the animal now, it will pay off later. 

I appreciate the chores and the caring I had for my lamb, and horse growing up.My brother and I always had a horse show, or a demonstration day for our rabbits or lambs that kept us busy. Let’s not ever forget getting your homework done in between times. My brother and I learned a good work ethic. There was a joke in my family unless you were dying, you went to school. There is something to be said I think(now) of a good old-fashioned up bringing. we did not have all the materialistic gadgets to occupy our time. we were to busy riding our horses, caring for our rabbits and sheep and cows and chasing off the snakes and skunks and deer and oh dear how much fun we had growing up. Life was simple yes, but we had everything we needed including discipline,work ethic, time management instead of wasting time. 

How sad to me that just twenty or thirty years have gone by and today teens have no idea what respect is anymore. I am not picking on the teens but if I talked to my parents or grandparents the way some teens do, I would not have sat down for a week. You said please and thank you because you were grateful there was food on the table plus it shows respect. We did not ignore and adult if we were spoken to. We did not just keep playing our game of our phone or keep listening to our iPad if we were asked a question. It is almost a sad thought that the good old days really are gone for good. When you had company over for dinner, you played a game or swim in your pool. Afterwards,you had desert. Today, you are lucky a family can have a sit down meal together and discuss the days events. The face of our generation is sure changing and what is unimaginable to me is to think about what is going to become of the next generation of kids. If families don’t have time for dinner now before jetting out the door to dad’s game,what are we teaching our kids on how to raise our grandchildren?thumbnailCACS6RH0

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My Journey To Finding Happiness Again

March 24, 2013 at 4:31 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

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Life can change in a moment.

 

One day, you are living your best life ever, the next day your world can come crashing down around you. What do you do when tragedy strikes?  How do we survive a loved ones disease, and how do we survive the loss of that loved one? Sometimes we do not realize how fragile life really is. We never know how we deal with life changing circumstances until we are faced with them.

I have been a care giver since I was a teenager. my dad had been sick as long as I can remember. I would help care for my dad while my mom worked. Caring for my dad taught me compassion and responsibility. I had always pursued a career as a paramedic. I found out there were height and weight requirements for the job. I was disappointed to learn I did not meet the requirements for the job. I went into the Health care field and I have found it very rewarding. 

When my husband and I married, we thought we would grow old together, envisioned a life raising ou family, looked forward to retiring some day, imagined a life as proud grandparents to our son’s children. My life had taken a different direction. My husband had complications from his diabetes. He died just 6 short years after we married. I was left to raise my young son alone. Single parenthood presented many challenges. I was mother, father, and sole provider for my family of two now. I had many hardships and difficulties raising my son, but Levi and survived them all. I raised my son from childhood through his teens. 

After the death of my husband I was overwhelmed with the awesome responsibility of raising my son alone. I suffered from depression. When Levi went to school, I stayed on the couch. I not only suffered the loss of my husband,but my income was cut in half. Levi was a strong-willed child. There were days I did not think I had the strength to care for him as a good mother should. I always drew my strength from God. I had to realize life was going to be okay and I can get through being a single parent. I also had to deal with critical comments from people in my life. Being a single parent was hard enough, I felt like I really had no support. I am happy to say I did not drink, smoke or do drugs during this trying time in my life. I still am just a coffee drinker. mainly because there are so many yummy coffee creamers out there to try. 

People talk about depression and it’s effects. I can tell you depression does hurt. You feel lonely, you feel sad all the time, you say ‘I am fine’ when you feel like your whole world has ended. I had to care for my young son who needed me to be available for him. There were not many people I could talk to about my struggle because I was told to get over it Levi needs me. What people do not realize is yes, my son needed me, but I had to take care of me too.

 

As Levi entered his teens, he had his own struggles I had to deal with. Levi’s grandpa died when Levi was 15 years old he was devastated. Now I had to deal with and help my son through his depression. Levi was put on medication so you could stand to be around him and his attitude problem. Growing up is tough as a teenager.Then of course, we as parents do not know anything….

  About this time, Levi moved in to help his grandma after his grandpa passed away. Levi told his grandma ‘I will take care of you grandma’ I laugh at the thought.

 

In July 2007, my son set off with some friends to float the river, by that evening both our lives were changed forever. Levi was involved in a tragic car accident. There are no words to describe the depth of grief I felt that day. One day you are putting gas in your sons’ new car, the next day, Levi was fighting for his life. People have often asked me how could I survive such a loss. I have a strong faith in God and I realize the deaths of both my husband and my son did not mean it was the death of me as well. For me, healing is accepting the loss and know I will keep moving forward in the good things God still has for me. it has been a long journey from feeling overwhelmed, depressed, hopeless, to joy, living my dreams, feeling useful instead of useless, encouraging others to live the dreams they envisioned and not let fear rule their hearts. Life is good indeed.


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Becoming a Man Of His Word

March 4, 2013 at 11:28 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

 

 

 

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I taught my son Levi to be a man of his word. When my son was six years old he learned a valuable lesson. his grandpa invited him to go fishing with him, but Levi’s friend invited him to go to McDonald’s with him instead. I told Levi he would hurt his grandpa’s feelings if he chose to go with his friend instead. Levi had a good fishing trip with his grandpa. My son and his grandpa were best buddies. They had many more fishing trips, camping trips with grandma and grandpa going to the hot springs in Montana. I really appreciated the break when my son could go on a fun adventure with his two favorite people in his life. When Levi became a teen, he helped his grandma with his grandpa when he became terminally ill.

 

I became a single parent when my husband, Levi’s father died from complications from his diabetes.  I was given the awesome responsibility to raise my young son alone. I became mother, father and sole provider for my family of two now. Single parenthood presented many challenges and difficulties. Levi and I survived them all. I raised Levi from childhood through his teens. Levi was quite the artist. I have many of his drawings in my bible and hanging in my bedroom wall. When his grandpa died, Levi drew an awesome picture as a tribute to his best friend. We don’t realize our words are heard and all the hard work we poured into their lives, comes back in blessing to us as parents. The one comment I will always treasure from my son is ‘you were always there for me and you never gave up on me thank you mom. I love you.’ I treasure these words more than ever now. My son was lost in a tragic car accident in July 2007. he was only 20.

Some people still ask me today if I get angry at God because I will never be a grandmother to Levi’s children or watch Levi get married.  The thought does cross my mind sometimes when I see grandparents taking their grandchildren to the park or walking the dog. But I am not angry at God,  feeling like He took this away from me. God has walked me through some of the darkest days of my life. I am thankful I was given priveledge to raise this fine young man.  I would not trade all the struggles and challenges I had to face as a single mother to my son. The greatest gift of all is be called mom or dad.

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February 20, 2013 at 5:20 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

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I have had a rough couple of weeks.

I finally had some time to read some of my FB posts and saw this quote. Every morning has a beginning,a new blessing and a new hope.  I needed to read this and remember circumstances may look bleak, but with the morning sun also comes new beginnings and sometimes a different outlook. We never know what tomorrow brings do we… 

A dear friend and I went to lunch and shopping today at the local mall. It was nice to get away for a few hours and then head back to reality. My friend is heading back to Ireland next week.  My friend told me she lives in a heritage village,and  flowers are already blooming. I want to be packed in her suitcase and go home with her. A few years ago, this same friend helped me redo my bedroom into a B&B bedroom. She also helped me turn my son’s old bedroom into my dressing room after his death. I have been blessed with a special friend for many years.

May we take time to laugh, hug our children close, tell our children how proud we are of them, tell them we are glad they are in our lives, and take time to smell the roses. Life is too short not to live it to the fullest. My life was forever changed with the deaths of both my husband and my son but I made the choice to find happiness again. I feel so blessed when I drive by my son’s old grade school and remember waving to him on the playground. I have so many great memories of a son I love and miss dearly.

 

 

 

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It’s Monday Again

February 4, 2013 at 6:47 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

 

 

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I started my morning off early taking my mom to get her blood workup then we went out to breakfast. I came home to write a quick blog post, then off again with a dear friend for lunch and a short drive around the area. I love to drive around one our local lakes and enjoy the snowy scenery. 

I have been touched by the response to my recent excerpt from my first book.  When I cashed a check this morning, one of the bank rep. stopped me and told me how much she enjoyed reading my post.When I started keeping a journal years ago, I would not have thought I would have a blog or be a published author. As I keep writing, I am remembering things I have long forgotten. Some stories are easy to write and others are more painful. When I drive by my son’s old grade school, I can imagine waving to him on the playground,or having lunch at his school. I remember going on motorcycle rides with my husband or playing with Levi at the park. I have so many treasured memories of a husband and a son I love and miss dearly.

Sometimes I am asked how could I keep moving forward in my life and have my positive attitude. I realized the deaths of both my husband and my son did not mean the death of me as well. I learned how to let go of the dreams I held for grandchildren. Growing old with my husband. looking forward to retirement one day. I had to learn how to live again no easy feat. My life had been centered around being Levi’s mom for many years. When I write a story, it helps me to remember  life is good no matter what your circumstance. I could have become bitter and angry but what would this have accomplished? I turned Levi’s old room into my dressing room after he moved out. I love to get dressed in the morning and put on my pajamas at night. I have found this is a great way to start my day. 

Hug your children extra tight tonight, ask  them about their day and tell them about your day today. I know the days are long, the hours at work are long, I had to remember there was a young man at the end of the day who was glad to see his mom. I am proud of not only of the fine young man Levi had become but also God chose me to be his mom even if for a little while. Happy Monday.

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Living Your Dreams

January 26, 2013 at 4:40 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

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I went into the Health Care field having to help care for my dad while my mom worked. My dad had been sick ever since I could remember. In High school, I took my dad to his doctor appointments. Growing up  a young care giver taught me responsibility, compassion. When I graduated from High School my plan was to become a paramedic. There were height and weight requirements to be considered for the program and I was disappointed to find out I did not meet those requirements. I chose the Health Care Field instead. I have found my occupation of choice very rewarding

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My Husband’s Kind Heart

October 14, 2012 at 8:59 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

 

I have so many fond memories of my late husband Jerry. Here is one of my favorite stories I would like to share:

When my husband Jerry and I were engaged to be married, Jerry would drop me off at work and pick me up after my shift. We both owned a car, but I wanted to spend more time with him. We would talk over wedding plans.

I grew up around my grandma Leigh .She was a big influence on my life. My brother and I would often visit her and my aunt when we were in high school. She was a beautiful lady. When I told grandma about Jerry, and our engagement, she wanted to meet him. When he met her, she told him she had heard so much about him. Grandma fell in love with Jerry.

When she was hospitalized, Jerry would visit her while I was at work. When her dinner tray was brought in, Jerry would go down to the cafeteria and eat, then go back and visit with grandma until visiting hours were over. One night, my grandma offered to order Jerry a dinner tray so he could eat with her. Jerry would still order his dinner at the cafeteria, but brought it to my grandma’s room and ate with her. Jerry was very fond of my grandma.  Jerry didn’t see his grandparents very often because they live in another state.                    

Jerry and I were busy planning our wedding. My grandma told me she didn’t think she would be attending our wedding. She said she was ready to go home to Heaven. I told her “I will have to postpone the wedding until you can come then” My grandma was released from the hospital two days later. Jerry and I were married in a beautiful garden wedding on September 15,1984. Grandma sat in the front row. What a wonderful memory I will always have of my husband’s kind heart.

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